Jason Edward Posluszny

October 25, 2009

 

Dear Jas,

 

Three months since I have seen your smiling face, heard that great laugh of yours. Some days, it's unimaginable. I miss you more than anyone could possibly understand. Im trying to not repeat myself from previous blogs (mom you repeat yourself). Everything remains the same as before. Frozen in time. Comforts me seeing your things in your room. so for now, they stay, then i will move them in my room with me when the time is right.

 

Last week I think I hit rock bottom. I finally called the doctor on Thursday and he doubled my meds. Been feeling a little better that last couple days. I was a mess and i know you would hate that.

 

Went out to the springs yesterday to find your tree. Met the lady who has been taking care of it. She will make sure it grows, and thrives. Wonderful caring woman, was at the celebration of your Life (memorial). Its in a great spot. I couldn't have picked a better place.

 

Got your explorer all fixed up. I hope you can see it. I so love driving it. It looks awesome and I did it all for you. Feel like you are with me when I drive it. One day I actually smelled your cologne when I got in it. First and only time. You take it out for a midnight ride? lol

 

Matt, Dal, Mike, Ash and Chris T all went to the concert Friday night. Atreyu and Hollywood Undead. Since you have all kinds of powers now, I imagine you up on the stage with them, joking around, singing with the band. I know you were there in spirit. Mike, heather and Ash are on their way now to see All Time Low, We the kings, and 2 other bands. I told Ash you would be there with her in spirit. She misses you so. I know you know this.

 

Nero said you were on the moon last night. He always talks about you, all the kids do. They miss their Uncle Jason so much. Allie plays your pirate sometimes, because it was yours.

 

I had a dream a couple weeks ago. It wasn't like the few normal dreams I have had about you, random events and such. this one we were actually talking and interacting. Talking about you being gone. We were all in a house. Grandma was there, the entire family. Don't know where it was, didn't recognize it, but there were bunk beds in one room. As I was walking down the hallway I glanced in the room, and there you were laying on the top bunk with a red shirt on, remote in your hand, flipping channels. No one else was in the room at the time. I screamed Jas and ran over to you and went to hug you. You looked surprised I could see you, and at first kind of pasty, but then the color came back to your face very quickly.

 

I expected when I went to hug you for my arms to go through you, but they didn't, I was able to hold you. I cried and asked how it was possible I could see you, and feel you. You said you didn't know, but you had been with us all along, we just couldn't see you. You said you had been trying to show us you were there, little things that would let us know. I thought about the many many signs we have all had, and believed that to be true.

 

You asked me where your clothes were, said you were sick of wearing the same thing. You had on these dark tan corduroy shorts. I told you they were in the same place you left them, and you got up and walked into the kitchen, then disappeared. All that was left were the clothes you were wearing, laying on the floor.

 

I panicked and thought you were gone, but then you appeared again wearing one of your plaid pairs of shorts and your black t shirt.I was so relieved when you returned. Then I yelled for your brothers and sisters and they all came. You all were laughing and fooling around. I told them what you said about the signs you had been trying to leave, and I remember them calling you on a few of them, and you just laughing that wonderful laugh of yours. They never asked how it was possible you were there, that I can remember.

 

At one point you went in the freezer, said you wanted some ice cream lol. That made everyone laugh. i went over by the fridge and hugged you again, afraid it would be my last chance. I didn't wanna let go. You said you didn't know how long we would be able to see you, but reminded me you are always with us. You told me you loved your cabinet and love seeing all your things there. You asked me to try and not be so sad and I hugged you again, and cried tears of joy because I was so happy for that moment. That's when i woke up.

 

The weird thing about this dream, was that it was in segments. I would wake up, remember what I was dreaming, fall back asleep and go right back into the dream. I woke 3 or 4 times during it, always to fall back asleep and you were there. It was one of the few nights I went to sleep without taking my xanix. Sometimes I wonder if you try and the xanix makes me sleep through it and not remember. It made me feel good though, the dream.

 

Got a lot of things going on with MADD. I have applied to start a local chapter. Jan made a team for you for the "Walk for MADD" event next May. It's actually on her birthday. How ironic. She named the team "Rainbow Smiles". I know you would laugh your ass off at that, but it's perfect. We have all made teams under her main team. There's also a candlelight vigil coming up in December we plan to attend. You picture will be included in the slide show. The sheriff's department is behind us in our effort's to help, and I am very grateful for their support. Jeff has been awesome.

 

Trying to make a difference, we all are. Trying to honor you, live for you, keep you with us, and make what happened to you, have an impact on as many people as we can. You are very missed by all. Your friends, brothers and sisters, your Dad, and me more than I can stand most days. I will never be the same, but I'm trying. Three months, unreal. My life is incomplete without you. Love you forever.

 

Your memory will carry on....

 

Mom

 

The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance

 

 

September 25, 2009

 

 

Dear Jas,

 

 

I can't believe it has been 2 months. I still think I hear your car sometimes late at night. I have pictures of you everywhere. I think you know that. Sometimes out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of one photo in particular, and forget, just for an instant, that you are gone. Then reality smacks me in the face again and that empty spot reappears. That giant gaping hole where one of my beautiful children is missing. No one can possibly know how that feels, but I think you do.

 

You have moved onto another dimension, where I believe you can hear our thoughts of you, and guide us when we need you. Like a giant rainbow in the sky, not only showing us the way, but letting us know you are watching over us. I feel your presence many times, like you are beside me, or "with" me, somehow. A feeling of comfort comes over me. I wonder if you are. If so, I wonder if you are tired of my babbling, talking to you randomly, like I always have, as if you were still here. I hope all the things we believe are true. They are the only things we have to grasp onto. To give us hope.

 

I wanna mention things that have happened, but if you are watching over us, then you already know, but I'm going to mention them anyhow so I don't forget (babbling again). Your brothers and sisters tell me I repeat myself. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. Maybe it's the med's. The unthinkable happened, and it's still so hard to believe.

 

Baby Keira arrived on September 22, your precious little niece. I hope you can look down on her and see how beautiful she is. I think you will see all these kids grow, thats just my belief, but they will miss having you in their life, and that is so sad. They all loved their Uncle Jason so much. Dalyce and Matt have a new baby coming too. God how these kids do, and will miss you. God how we ALL miss you.

 

Matt, Mike, Ash, Dal and Chris (Taylor) are all going to the Hollywood Undead concert. Maybe you can join them in the pit. Be cool to think you were there with them in spirit. I know you will be there in their hearts. Dal and Ash are in balcony seats. No way they are going in any stinkin mosh pit! But they are all going for you. Almost everything we do is with you in mind. We will always keep you with us.

 

Matt has been working like crazy on the video from your memorial. He wants it to be perfect. so many people were there to say goodbye to you. I can't say goodbye. You will be forever with me.

 

I decided I am going to donate my time to MADD. Try to help rid the world of drunken assholes who steal peoples lives. I guess it's the only way I can think of to fight back for what happened to you. You were the innocent. You did everything right, and you were stolen away by a drunken thief who had no self control, who had no business roaming free in society let alone behind the wheel of a car. I am going to make it my mission to fight with all the strength I can find to help save others from having to deal with the horror we have.

 

I know you are gone, but I try not to dwell on it. When I think about it, the finality, emptiness, it is more than I can take, more than my mind and my heart can handle. I quickly push the thoughts out of my mind refusing to fully accept a life without you. I wish every drunk who thinks about getting behind the wheel of a car could feel what is inside me, the horror, the pain, they would never consider driving. The people that run this state, this country, the politicians, lawmakers, people who so carelessly turn a blind eye to DUI's, should feel what I feel, what we all feel. Two months later and I have no idea how I have survived. Your brothers, and sisters, and your Dad, as well as my friends have pulled me through, but I still battle every day. I am beyond sad. I want vengeance. More than anything, I want you back, but i know that's impossible.

 

I do crazy things, like I won't use the last little bit of that big tub of margarine you bought because then it will be gone, and you bought it. Those buy one, get one free steak-um burgers that we loved so much, there's still 2 left. I refuse to eat them without you, so they sit there in the freezer, and the list goes on. I can't fully let go, I have to hold onto whatever I can. It's so silly, yet so important to me. I am surrounded by your things, and I have you here with me. Sometimes I feel selfish, like I'm hogging all your precious belongings. Ash has your Gir shirt. Dal has the bag you guys bought at the mall before the last Hollywood Undead concert. Trish has your camera. Matt has your Xbox and has been talking with your friends. they all miss you. A bunch got your blue heart tattoo. Mike has yet to ask for anything, but he needs to. Your room remains the same.

 

We all stop by your roadside memorial all the time. Your friends do too. The flowers i planted look beautiful. The state put your marker up finally. It will be there forever along with the beautiful memorial we made for you. We miss you. My life will never be the same. Our lives will never be the same. but we all are determined to make a difference.

 

I miss you every day. I pray you are in a better place, out of this selfish and careless world. I swear baby, I am gonna fight like crazy, in your name. You are my motivation and will be my force, a force to be reckoned with. I will not allow you to be taken from me without fighting the reason it happened. It's gonna be a rough battle, but I won't quit until changes are made, and I want to be there for others who are suffering as we are. Just trying to pull myself together enough to fight.

 

For anyone seeing this that is not aware, you can contact the governor of your state as well as your local representatives in one easy step through MADD. They provide the content for your letter which you can add your own personal comments to if you wish, or send as is. All you need do is fill in your name and address and your email is automatically sent to "your" representatives. Every voice counts. There is new stronger laws pending. Not strong enough, but a start.

 

Help to make this world a safer place. A place where your family can get a car and not risk your life. A world where reckless dangerous behavior does not go unpunished, and where people who are out of control get the help they so desperately need. It is NOT acceptable to let anyone caught drunk driving get away without time in jail, and forced treatment. Driving drunk is no different than shooting a loaded gun over an over into a crowd. Every car, family, child, human being that drunk passes, is a potential victim. The good ole boy attitude has got to stop.

 

Please go to http://www.madd.org/Take-Action.aspx and take a moment to help.

 

I love you so much Jas.

Help me be strong.

Mom

 

 

Dalyce had a dream, Jas came to her. He told her to tell me to listen and remember the song at the end of the movie. That I would understand what he meant. I believe this is the message he was trying to send me, through this song.

 

 

John Mayer - The Heart of Life

 

 

 

 

"The Heart Of Life"

 

 

I hate to see you cry

 

Lying there in that position

There's things you need to hear

So turn off your tears

And listen

 

Pain throws your heart to the

 

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

 

You know, it's nothing new

 

Bad news never had good timing

But, then your circle of friends

Will defend the silver lining

 

Pain throws your heart to the ground

 

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

 

Pain throws your heart to the ground

 

Love turns the whole thing around

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood

But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

 

August 25, 2009

 

Dear Jas,

 

It's been a month since the crash. How can that be. I imagine it was just yesterday you and I were arguing over who got the first batch of chili cheese fries. Was so silly, not a real argument, just you giving me a hard time in that funny way you did. And you used to love when I would make burgers cause I would always overcook the first 2 and give them to you, since you like yours well done. I think you secretly hoped I would walk away and forget them just so you would get first helping, lol. I can't open the fridge without thinking of you. Still things in there you bought (things that dont spoil) but that chili and cheese which will probably grow into an experiment soon, but I cannot bear to throw them away.

 

I still have the last shopping list you gave me. Seems like just the other day I was scrambling up an down aisles trying to find everything.How can it all feel like just yesterday yet been a month since I have seen your smiling face. It boggles my mind.

 

Maybe because I surround myself with you. Everywhere I look is a picture of you, the collage of all the pics from when you were younger sits by my desk. I have you on my desktops on my computers. Your cabinet with not ony your urn but all your treasures is here beside me, and another shelf with things from childhood. Frames with snapshots sit on my desks.I truly feel like you are here with me, yet miss you so very much. I keep you close to me, yet at the same time, I have to remind myself you are gone. It's such an odd sensation.

 

Your room still remains untouched, Ashley's orders. Matt got your computer fixed! We are so happy to be able to find some of the special things you had on there. Theres even more to be found. The rainbows, Matt found the folder with your rainbow photos, and we have all been seeing rainbows. Could it be you showing us you are ok. We all wonder.I know whenever we see a rainbow though, we will think of you. Matt actually saw a triplee rainbow the other day when going to pick up Ashley.

 

I have been trying to shop for you with the money you had in your wallet. It was yours and I want to buy something for you. A sword or a dragon or combination of both is what Im looking for. It has to be perfect though. It will be put with all your other treasures. Maybe something Gir too, that blue gir shirt of yours has become your trademark.

 

We made a beautiful roadside memorial for you. I bought flowers including firecracker plants and planted them there, just for you.I knew you would love the firecrackers.

 

We miss you, so much, all of us. We struggle every day to fight the lonliness of a life without you. Its still sometimes beyond my comprehension. How could it be a month when I still watch for you to walk through my door and without thinking, listen for your car. Sometimes I still expect to see you in your bed when I wake up in the morning, then reality sets in.

 

Reality sucks.

I miss you Jas more than I can stand.

Love you so much, forever.

 

Mom

August 12, 2009

 

Dear Jason,

 

Where do I start. I suppose by telling you how much I miss you. How inncredibly sad I am I cant see your face, hear that beautiful amazing laugh of yours. Oh and that smile, omg how I miss that smile. I am still in disbelif. How could you be gone.My life was my 5 children, all of which I adored. How can I only have 4 here with me now. I can't wrap my brain around that.

 

I think about the many nights, me on the computer, you on the xbox, side by side. You had SO much fun and I loved to listen to you play with your friends. How you all would laugh, I would laugh. You entertained everyone. Then when you were being attacked you would scream help me!! Then there was that one creepy game you played, and things would pop out of nowhere, and you would jump and scream, so funny, so cute. Oh man I will forever miss listening to you play. You had the greatest sense of humor which is why so many people loved you.

 

I wake every morning and the first thing I see is your room. You were always the first thing I saw when I stumbled in the kitchen to mske coffee. It always gave me such a sense of security knowing you were afe in your bed. If you were spending the night at a freinds, you always texted to tell me, so I would not wake up and worry, just like you did the night before you were killed. Now I wake, no you, and no text. It all feels so wrong. My life feels wrong.

 

Everything is the same in your room including your pile of clothes on the magazine rack in the corner. Ash and I each took one of your work shirts which we both wear. She does not want me to touch sanything, and I respect that. Your brand new TV that you just got for your birthday and loved so much sits in it's place. Hasn't been turned on since last time you used it. Your shaver, silly little ibc root beer bottle cap collection, and the list goes on.

Your tattoo has become ours, your trademark, We cherish it and honor you with our own. I remember the day you got it. You loved it so and i remember thinking it was so cool. We all wear it proudly in your memory.

 

I look at the collages of pictures your brothers and sisters made of your life. We had a good life, didn't we? Despite the craziness sometimes, you had scouts and little league and honor classes in high school. I think we had fun, I tried to give you all everything I could, including all my love. Everyone called you smiley. You were always so happy. I wish I could go back oh how I wish.All the vacations, trips to the beach, the parks, attractions, I tried so hard to fill all your childhoods with happy memories. I hope I did. It was all I wanted. I honestly do not know how I amm surviving. I suppose the drugs, but even they fail me frequently.

 

You grew into an awesome adult with a heart of gold. Always wanting to help others, make thwm happy. You grew to be trustworthy, and honerable. That honor, wanting to protect Angela, took your life, but in my eyes, you died a hero, protecting a friend. I know there is so much more I want to say, but I'm still numb, and words escape me.

 

You will always be a hero in my eyes. I love you my baby forever. I hope you can hear me talk to you.You will never be forgotten. Be happy and soar high. The part of me that died with you, stays with you, till we meet once again. Please keep us all with you. You will always be with us.

 

Love you Jas, Mom