Jason Edward Posluszny

Dear Jas,

 

I have been working on your site here the last week. A lot of the images ended up missing when I lost my site and I have been putting them all back into place. When I got to the blogs I realized I have not written you a letter here since 20 months! I felt rather ashamed of myself but then realized it is because I have been posting to you on your facebook page. Since it has been so long though I decided to write to you here.

 

I read my blog entries and realize I still, 4 years later, feel much the same. Oh I have learned to cope, I don't cry all the time anymore, but inside, nothing has changed. That empty place in my heart, which I have worked so hard to fill with happy memories, still is missing you. It's so hard knowing you will not walk through that door. I accept it, I no longer worry about you like I did, I know you are ok, but it still aches so bad. I don't think that ache will ever go away. It's something I have just accepted in this new normal, and something I have learned to live with. I try to not dwell on the bad, I try not to be so miserable, for you. I want you to be able to look down on me and not have to cringe because I am so unhappy. I have made progress. I'm not there completely, but I'm better. I guess one step at a time.

I have been trying to write your life story for the page here. I don't know why, but I just can't do it. I don't have a lot of problem working on this site, your site, but that page gets me. I get all choked up.I want to work on it though, since I have this site for life. I'm thinking maybe if I gather up some of your favorite pictures from when you were growing up I can work around that telling about your life. I'll figure it out.

 

 

   A lot has happened over the course of the last 2 years since I        have posted here. You have another nephew. Riley Jay. He's         absoluetly adorable. He reminds me so much of Keira.






That brings the count to 7 beautiful neices and nephews for you, grandchildren for me. They are all getting so big! Isaac just started 3rd grade, can you imagine! Allie is in 2nd, Nero in 1st, and Maya, precious little Maya just started preschool. Keira and Echo are next in line. I think about Isaac in 3rd grade and I realize just how fast time flies! 2 more years and middle school. It just doesn't seem possible. Slow down time!!!


                  Isaac first day of school                                           Nero first day of school
 

                 Allie and Maya first day of School                                                        Keira and Echo 
 

October 2, 2012 we lost Grandma. I still can't believe it. It was so sudden. Caught me off guard again. Grandma is with you now, and for that I feel almost ok. Grandma knows all that was in my heart, and knows how I worried for you. The thought of you both living in a wonderful world without all the crap on earth, gives me hope. Though I can't be with you, she is. This life seems so surreal, like a crazy mixed up dream. This is not my life. My life was my 5 kids, and my Mom. I lived and built on that dream my whole life. Then wham, in a heartbeat everything changed. Got all discombobulated. I lost who I was. The definition of me changed so dramatically I cannot seem to find my place in this world now. I tried so hard to get MADD to work, but let's face it, this back woods, enforce what laws you want, when you want county has almost crushed that dream. The laxidasical attidude of the powers that be here is so downing. Unreturned phone calls, over and over. I lose my energy to call and call, it hurts so bad to know they just don't care. Actually it angers me more, but I'm trying to squelch the anger for fear that if it is truly unleashed, your dear old Mom will run a muck. These are things Grandma helped me with. She listened. She understood. She didn't roll her eyes at me when I talked. She let me get it all out, and helped me through. With her gone, it's building up again. I have to find a source for all this. Anything at this point I poured my heart and soul into would be a power to be reconed with. Right now, all this unspent energy just exhausts me. I miss my old life, I miss Grandma, I miss you. I'm scared, all the time, for your brothers and sisters. I have tried to calm my irrational feelings, but once an intense fear is instilled in you, it's very hard to dismiss. Guess I'm still a WIP (work in progress).




 

We just passed all your special days. I got you a birthday balloon for your roadside memorial that had a yellow bulldozer on it. When I saw it, it reminded me of the good old Tonka trucks you all always had. That was a staple in every boys childhood, so I had to get it. A plain old happy birthday balloon never seems quite right. So once I let everyone driving past your memorial it was your birthday, then I went home to prepare for the rest of your day.

We went to Outback just like we did on your last birthday year, and birthday's before. The plan was to do your balloons, then dinner, like always. I ordered your balloons and was going to pick them up on the way. Heather has always got them from Winn Dixie every year but this year she was still on maternity leave, so I ordered them. I never thought about just how much room 24 balloons would take up!!! Ashley was driving her pretty new car, and Donny was with us. She dropped me at Publix. It was pouring, I mean buckets of water streaming down pouring. Thunder, lightning, but in I ran to grab the balloons. While I was in Publix Donny started feeling sick. Ashley brought him back home while I was in there. When I saw the balloons, I thought uh oh, what was I thinking. Why didn't I ask Trish and Chris with their big old van to pick them up! Trying to get them all in Ash's car was almost comical, and she was freaking out a little because while I was trying to fit 24 balloons in her back seat, her car was getting soaked. The rain was insane. As much as I hated to see Donny not be able to make it, those balloons would never have fit if he was in that back seat. They hardly fit without him. By the time I got them all in the car, I was soaked, my seat was soaked, I looked like a drowned rat, but wasn't going to let a little nature get in the way!!!


                                                                            (Ashley's Car)

 

We always do your balloons first, while it is light, then dinner, but this year we had to reverse it, because of the storm. Some nerve storming on your birthday. So we had our Outback, and some cheese fries (naturally) for you, and then went to a park in Inverness and luckily the rain had stopped. There were some lights there so it wasn't pitch black. When we let your ballonos go you could see them just as well at night as during the day. I was relieved. Isaac wrote you a letter, and included a picture of you and him. He still remembers you so well, and misses you very much. That child has a heart of gold, he's silly, a typical boy, but also very sensitive. It melts my heart the things he does for you, still, after all these years. So we needed 3 ballons tied to his message of love to take them to you. All in all it was a nice day, a celebration of the wonderful day you graced us on this earth.

 











Then we came to the 25th of July, the day you were taken from us. Certainly not a day to celebrate, so we do our own thing, in honor and memory of you. While we do almost everything as a family, that day is a personal day. Trish, Chris, Ashley, Donny and I (and Allie and Maya) love sky lanterns. The last 2 years we have gone up to Central Citrus Park and sent them up to you. In my mind, its my way of honoring you on that day, not that I don't try to do that every day, but... maybe it's a symbol. I feel I have to do something to remember you on that day. Something physical, something concrete. Maybe it's just "doing" something. I feel so lost sometimes at the lack of physical things I can do for you. I want to be fighting over who gets the first burger, chili cheese fries, haggling over the last can of soda, mostly in fun, you giving me a hard time and me stepping up to the plate and giving it in return. I so miss watching you play xbox, one of my greatest joys, sounds silly, but you were so happy when you got on there with your friends, and you made me laugh so much. Hearing Grandma turn up the volume on the TV after we moved in with her, to hear over your excitement playing the games. There is such an empty place in my life where all those things once were. So the lanterns are my way of reaching out I suppose. They are so beautiful as they float into the night sky. A symbol of beauty for my beautiful son marking the day our lives were changed forever. Not a day to celebrate, but a day to remember the remarkable human being you were, and the amazing angel I am sure you have become. So once a year, we light up the sky for you.


 

Every year on July 4th (and New Years Eve) I have gone to your memorial to do fireworks. It was my way of continuing our tradition, your tradition. I'll never forget the way you boys used to organize a fireworks show. Your brothers and Chris still do, lol.. Over the years the reins have passed. First it was Mike, running the show. Then Matt, then the reins passed to you after he moved on his own. The way you guys would get everything all set up was priceless. Then the pride you took when your explosive extravaganza began was a memory I will never forget, so after we lost you, I took it upon myself to do it for you. Thinking a bit more clearly this year I realized, if you are with me, with us, and see what is going on in this world, through us, then why not do fireworks with everyone, the entire family, and let you have the kind of celebration we always had, and that you would love. I'm sure you would much rather see everyone together continuing those traditions than your Mother alone on the highway. So thats what we did, and it was a nice evening. Rain off and on, again. The rain has been crazy this year, but it didn't get in our way.
 

So much more has happened over the last couple years. Too much and too fragmented to even go into here, but much of it I am sure did not surprise you. Heartbreaks, and joys. Chaos, and confusion. Good, and bad. But we survived, and we carry on. I miss you so very very much. Love you forever.

 

Stay close, watch over us, protect us, guide us,
Mom

 Dear Jas,

July 25, 2009

 

 

Dear Jas,

I can't believe it has been a year. I feel like it was just yesterday you were walking out this door for work. How could it be an entire year. How could I have survived an entire year. I guess we all survived because we have been doing things for you. It feels good to be. 

 

 

 

So many things. I guess I will recap the year starting with your celebration of life at Rainbow springs. Then your tree and brick there. I go to the springs often and seeing those things there, for you, makes me proud to be your Mom.

 

 

 

 

 

Then we all got our tattoos, the family, your friends, a permenant dedication to you. I wear mine proudly over my heart.

 

The guestbook and your memorial website ( http://jason-posluszny.last-memories.com) and all the wonderful things people said, and still say about you. Again it makes me incredibly proud to call you my son.

 

 

I did your cabinet. All of your precious belongings, including you urn. Funny but when I open the doors, I can smell you, the combination of scents that made you. I dont like to open the doors often as i want to trap that smell forever. Ashley says the same, so I know its not just my imagination.

 

Baby Keira was born in September, and Mike saw a rainbow that day. the coincidences with you and rainbows have been remarkable. More than just coincidence, they have to be a sign. there have been messages passed in dreams, none of my own, but others have had them. They are so lucky. I pray every night i will have such a dream, but honestly i think the meds prevent me. I just don't remember my dreams very often.

 

 

 

I decorated your Explorer (eek)... still not really sure what you would think about that, but I think I did it tastefully. I feel like you are with me when i drive it. feel your presence. I love listening to the CD you had in the player the last time you used it. i feel like i am sharing the last music you listened to.

 

Matt made a few video's for you. Most people have seen the first. only the family has seen the second. beautiful tributes to you, and the second is family videos. To hear you talk, laugh, be, is such a wonderful gift. Some can be found here:

 http://blip.tv/matty-boy

We have been to some concerts for you. Hollywood Undead, All time low, and many more you would have, and hopefully did love. i hope you were by our sides, rocking on...

 

On thanksgiving we had your famous chocolate pie. Christmas was very rough but I made treasure boxes for your brothers and sisters, filled them with albums of pictures of you and each of them, and all kinds of memories of you. I also went through all the photos from all the years and made everyone photo albums. Trish, Mike, Matt and Ashley all got a large photo album filled with all the pictures I could find with you and them. Each album is different, and personal. It contains their photo memories with you.

I still have the christmas tree up. I refused to take it down until I could accept christmas without you. I suspect it will be up until next Christmas. New years I went to your memorial and lit fireworks. That made me feel good, to continue our tradition. I made ornaments for everyone with your picture for christmas. I plan on continuining this tradition throughout the year.





















 

 

 

Matt and Dalyce's wedding was in December. You were dearly missed, but your place was clearly maintained. Wish you could have been there.

 

There were the articles in the Chronicle featuring you. You were the Chronicle highlight kicking off Crime victims Awareness Week. There was a slideshow at the ceremony which included your picture. The MADD cabndlelight vigil also had a slideshow which you were in. We all lit candles for you. God I miss you.

Preventing DUI means preventing tragedy 
http://www.chronicleonline.com/content/preventing-dui-means-preventing-tragedy

Tribute to victims
http://www.chronicleonline.com/content/tribute-victims

THE ISSUE 04/27: Woman turns tragedy into positive.
http://www.chronicleonline.com/content/issue-0427-woman-turns-tragedy-positive

 

MADD of Citrus County became a reality. It has been slow going getting everything in full speed because of changes in leadership throughout the state, but next month we have a meeting with the Senior state head of MADD so things will get into full gear then. There was the madd walk, the awesome t-shirts we had for you. We raised a lot of money in your name for our MADD chapter. We hope to make an impact.

 

In May another new niece came along. This is what Matt posted for you... "Wish you were here today, Jas. Echo Heart Posluszny... The Heart is for you. Not just a symbol that you inspired more than a dozen people to get tattooed on their body in your memory, but the one and only word that describes exactly who you were. And it'll live on forever" So beautiful and such a wonderful tribute to you Jas. You were all heart.

Matt explained the meaning of her middle name. They wanted to do something for Jason. Jason was all heart, and the heart has become a symbol for him. We all have hearts in our tattoo's for him. Lot's of his friends got heart tattoo's. So our new baby's name symbolizes Jason's heart echoing through her, and all of us. How beautiful. :} 

 

 

Your birthday was a beautiful tribute to you. We all met at Grandmas and we had 22 balloons. We attached notes and cards. the kids cards were so cute and they were so happy making them for you. We let those balloons go up into the sky for you. it was a beautiful sight. then we went to Outback, just like last year, for your birthday dinner. We got cheese fries for you, LOTS of cheese fries!

 

 

 

 

 

 

On july 4th I lit fireworks again at your roadside memorial. They came out awesome!! What a sight they were. another of our traditions upheld.

 

 

 

Your roadside memorial went through many transitions. New things added, decorations for all the holidays. Today your Dad, Matt and Mike went and redid it again. Boy things sure wear out with the florida sun. Can't wait to see what they did. I will be there tomorrow morning at 7:45 until 8:00am, the time of the crash. Then we are going to busch gardens to try and give you a fun day, and we elected to not make you watch us mope and cry all day, but see your family together, as we always were in the past, having fun, but we will be missing you terribly!

 

 

Jas, now i want to thank you with all my heart for the experience the other night. I know now beyond a shadow of a doubt you are with me. A sense of peace like I have never felt has come over me. I still miss you like crazy, cry at least once a day, many times more, and talk to you as if you were here. I still kiss my finger to the glass of your cabinet EVERY night. Once to the picture of you and me, and once to your urn, then tell you goodnight. Every morning when I turn on the lamp by your cabinet, I say good morning. These are my new daily traditions. Not like when I used to see your smiling face in the morning, or hear you laughing with your friends playing XBox when I went to sleep, but my new reality. It's all I got, but its comforting. I love you with all my heart baby, and miss you more and more each day.

Hang close... help keep us strong... show us signs your presence...be happy.

Love you forever, Mom.

 

 

May 25, 2009

 

Dear Jas,

 

10 months. I hardly know what to think anymore. I find it harder and harder each day to believe. I still feel you, still sense you, still think of you every day. I look at your photos and memories that surround me. You are everywhere. I can't turn my head without seeing parts of your life all around me. I look at your urn. I know your body is there, but I cannot feel you are gone from me. I miss seeing your expressions, but I see them in the photos. I miss you on outings and family gatherings, yet I feel you there. What I have missed more than anything is your voice.

 

Matt found and got the video tapes converted you recorded 5 years ago. He is going to have them ready for your birthday. It was pretty miraculous how he managed to get it done. If you lent a hand, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. He posted a little teaser because he has much raw footage to make into a beautiful tribute, but he wanted to let us see just a little. To hear your voice, see you in movement, walking, eating, makes my heart soar every time I watch it, which is a lot!!! I love that more than anything. Its so short, yet I smile, laugh, and yeah, even cry, but it is so precious to me.

 

 

I have been going to Rainbow Springs a lot lately. I feel so at peace there. So much of you is there and if I'm allowed, even more will be soon. Your magnolia is thriving and blooming at only a year old. That's pretty impressive I am told. Even as small as it is, it looks beautiful. There are many buds ready to open. I watch it every time I go there.

 

 

 

 

We are making plans for your birthday now. If all goes well it will be a beautiful tribute to you. The MADD walk is coming soon. June 4th. Not much time. I'm disappointed in my friends at the lack of support I have received, and I have all but begged, but will find a way to make my goal for you. I will not fail. I'm not too proud to beg when it comes to you and SUCH an important, life saving cause. Lord knows it could happen to anyone. No one is safe until we rid the roads of drunken fools that choose to risk others lives. This walk is critical to our local chapter, and the work we want to do, in your name. I will keep on fighting, as will we all, cause that is our mission now.

 

 

I changed sleep meds hoping this one will not make me sleep as sound and I may be able to remember my dreams. It seems to be working. I am remembering bits and pieces. I have no idea if you have tried in the last 6 months because the medicine I was on took away my dreams. If you can, please try again. I miss you so. We will never be together again like the photo at the top of this blog, but that photo is in your cabinet, and not only is it embedded in my mind, the memory is embedded in my heart. I love you so much. Please watch over us.

 

Miss you more than ever...

 

Love you eternally...

 

Mom

 

April 25, 2009

Dear Jas,

9 months, unbelievable. Went to the springs today. Your magnolia tree has buds, its going to bloom. It will be beautiful. Spent some time there, remembering. Stayed pretty strong but did have one bad moment. How can I not. I miss you so.

 

 

 

 

 

Been a very emotional couple weeks. I miss your car. Miss feeling you beside me. We been doing great with MADD though. I found the nurse that was your angel at the crash. Ws so great to talk to her though it stirred us all up again. We just cant get over missing you. Life is just not the same. Speaking of which, Matt made an awesome pic of your avitars an his, Mikes and Dalyce's. Miss seeing you play that dude. Miss Midnight so much. Miss you more.

 

 

 

The Chronicle featured you, our family, and our MADD chapter as the headline for Victims Crime Prevention week. I was so honored to bring your legacy to life, yet again. The MADD walk and your team, rainbow smiles is the #1 team. Jan and Trish are working really hard. We all are. Your name will carry on.

 

 

 

 

Lily has kittens (silly kitty)... anyone want a kitten? We can't keep them. I kept yours, that is enough. Your travel balloon soars on. Last time I looked it had traveled to 150 places. Another way I keep your legacy alive.

 

 

Hang close and keep us strong. We need your strength more than ever now. I love you so much it hurts. I close my eyes and relive the happy times. Soar high my baby.

 

 

Once again, Simple Plan - Untitled

 

 

 

 

I love you so very much Jas,

 

Another month gone by...

Watch over us.

miss you, Mom

 

March 25, 2009

Dear Jas,

2am and can't sleep. That's rare these days. I have been sleeping well, but my soul is very troubled tonight. I always start by saying, I can't believe it's been....well, it has. 8 long months. In some ways it feels like yesterday, the pain I'm feeling right now. The lump in my throat as I try to hold back my tears, and the emptiness I feel inside with you gone. It's hard to breathe, anxiety. Holding back the tears is pointless, so I let them fall. Like raindrops from the sky, they fall for you. Tried to sleep. Had to jump up before I lost control to the dark side. I promised not to put you through that, hours of me laying in bed crying, so here I am getting a head start on my letter to you this month. I passed your balloon again on facebook, sending you soaring through the sky, to places I can only imagine, but wish I could see. Oh how I wish I could see, and oh how I wish I could see you.

I have been much better, overall. Oh I still have pity parties now and then, but they end without much fanfare. The meds I'm on now work good. No side effects, keep a handle on the anxiety for the most part. Keep me out of the depths of depression, and let me sleep for a good 8 hours. 8 hours is amazing, isn't it? I have never been able to sleep, as you know, almost my whole life. The magic of modern medicine, but in this case, my savior. Looking right now at the picture of you and Ashley laughing at the talking garbage can at Disney, just days before you were killed. The look on your faces is priceless. I love this picture. It's my desktop wallpaper. It makes me smile.


Things with MADD are going well. I was asked to be on the executive committee for the walk in Tampa. We are having a Crime Victims Rights Ceremony here, in Citrus County on April 19th. I was asked to attend the planning meeting at the state attorneys office on Friday. Still working on a reluctant judge for our victim impact panels, but I will win. With you by my side I can't lose. We can't lose. We are too great a force to be squashed. The EMC asked to team up with us at all their fundraisers and will donate space for us to be there representing MADD of Citrus County. We are making progress, little by little. Making our mark. Carrying on your name. I will never let you down. We will fight with all we have in us, me, your brothers and sisters, your family, and your friends. Trish and Jan have been working hard. Ashley was amazing at the Strawberry festival, talking to people, handing out information. I was so proud. Your brothers are standing by to pitch in. We do it all for you. We love you.

What else... Your Explorer looks like a combination memorial and MADDmobile. Matt "suggested" I take off one sticker, which I did (it was huge and red). I guess it was the one sticker too many. I dont know if you are proud or you cringe at your car, but I feel like I need to scream at every person on the road as I pass them. Look what happened to me, to us. Don't let this happen to you, to your family, to your loved ones! Look inside of me. Look at my broken heart, the hole in my soul. Look at the part of me that is missing. So, that's why it all stays. So they will take notice, maybe think before they take a drink and get behind the wheel. Maybe watch their families closer. Offer them rides. Be a designated driver. Call a cab for them. Whatever it takes to keep them off the road.



One of the things I have been trying to do is get a handle on not only my feelings but your brothers and sisters as well. My intense empathy has been wrapped in a sort of dark cloud. I know it blurred my vision a little. The day we found out about the crash is without a doubt the worst day of my life, all our lives. I think about that day and all we went through. I remember it vividly. Then the next week is a blur or words and faces and emotions and time. 

Mike, omg poor Mike. The first to find out. The one they brought your wallet to. How devastating for him, for him to be the first to know, have the heartbreaking responsibility of having to tell everyone, how hard, what a burden. He got in touch with Tricia and Chris and of course Heather. Trish and Chris had been out with the kids on a morning adventure. What a shock after a beautiful morning with your kids.They had to be the ones to tell me, Mike, Trish, Heather and Chris. My phone rang. It was Mike. He said he needed to come by and talk to me about something. My heart sank. I knew it was bad. I was so scared.

Matt and Dalyce, they were at Busch Gardens for the day. They were on their way when they found out something was wrong. A call from someone alearted them. They had to come here not knowing what member of their family had something tragic happen to them. I can't even imagine the fear driving all that way. Then there was Ashley, off in Orlando with her friend and her Mom for a day of shopping, lunch and mini golfing. I had to get in touch with the Mom, make arrangements for your brothers to meet up with them to get Ashley, tell her, and bring her home to be with us. So Matt, Mike, Chris and Dalyce headed off to Orlando to find your sister, and tell her the bad news. Then your Dad, 1200 miles away and I had to call and tell him. All alone to deal with the news, and getting here. Then the aftermath when he arrived, making plans while I curled up in a ball and cried. How awful for all them. How awful for Ashley to find out there, so far from home. Trish said she will never forget the look of sheer terror on my face, and I was terrified. Terrified how I would survive without you, terrified for your brothers and sisters losing you, terrified that I would lose my mind, my heart, my soul. Sheer terror is putting it mildly.

The next day all I wanted to do was go find you, which it what prompted me to cry out for help. That was the last thing your brothers and sisters needed, but the next days, weeks, are all a blur. I honestly don't know how I made it. You had to be here keeping me calm, making me take that next step, cause lord knows I didn't want to. Gaining an understanding of what we ALL went through is part of my goal, and my healing process. I am beginning to be a little less selfish emotionally, and that's a good thing. Oh I know it was beyond my control, I lost my child, but I am getting better, I hope. I still am very sad inside, but I can function.

Next day and here I am writing again. Went to your memorial today, as always. Planted snap dragons (dragons for you) and daisys. Ran into Mike in Walmart when I was buying the flowers, and he followed me over. I feel so close to you there. I know I have your urn 6 feet away from me in your cabinet, and all your precious belongings, but somehow, at the roadside memorial, I feel your presence. Maybe because that's where your spirit left your body. It's sacred ground to me.








Stopped by the old house on the way home. Saw Marge's daughter. She told me Marge died on Sunday. How sad. Last time I saw her was months ago, ambulance pulled up in front of her house. They brought her out on a stretcher. It was the first time I had seen her since we lost you. She asked me if it was true, and I walked up to her and held her hands, and told her yes. She cried, and hugged me, and wouldn't let me go. They were trying to get her in the ambulance and she wouldn't budge. Finally I helped them get her in, and went in with her till she was settled. She never did come home again. She gave you your first outfit. I'll miss her.

Had a dream about you last night. A silly dream, didn't make much sense, but I saw your face, and your smile, and heard your voice, and that wonderful laugh, and I felt so good when I woke up this morning. I could live a lifetime on dreams if you were in them. I pray for you to be in my dreams.

I love you so very much Jas,
Another month gone by...
Watch over us.
Miss you, Mom

Please light a candle for Jas before you leave. It would mean a lot to me.

February 25, 2010

Dear Jas,

7 months and it still seems like yesterday we were rushing through Disney World taking turns with the camera and trying to get on all the rides. The other day an idea popped into my head. I don't know where it came from, but I know it's important for me to do. I want to go back to All Star Movies, see if I can get our room, relive our last family time together. I feel a very strong need to do that. I have learned not to question, just to follow when it comes to intuition and feelings.

 

 

Things are finally falling into place. My plans, to honor you, be your voice, fight what took you from me, are finally happening. It's been a long hard struggle, and I am far from being well, but as you know, I am trying. I'm sleeping better. That's a blessing. I still go to sleep every night thinking about you, and you are the first thing that comes into my mind when I wake, but I rarely cry myself to sleep anymore. Thanks to some very good advice I am trying hard to focus on the comforting memories. Turn the tears into smiles like I know you would want me to. Give you a little break from worrying about me. I try now when I talk to you to remember good things, funny things, then imagine your smile, your laugh.

 

Throughout all the preperations for our local MADD chapter, in my mind, it has always been "us" fighting to eliminate drunks on the road. Me and you, your brothers and sisters, our family, your friends, along with all the others who support us in "our" fight. I talk to you have discussions, wait for a sign, or a feeling of what is the right thing to do. I get feelings through the day, knowing you are watching over me, guiding me, helping me, helping all of us to hang in there and be strong. Keep an extra eye on your Dad. He needs you very much.

Your brick was finally put in place at Rainbow springs. Yet another tribute to you. It sits very close to your tree and will be there for all eternity. I went out and saw it the other day, and it made me feel good seeing it. As hard as I try though, I ache for your presense every day. I wanna see you barge through my door, frantically looking for a misplaced item so you can leave for work. Hear your Explorer safely pulling in the driveway at night. Every parent of a child that drives knows that feeling when theor child's car pulls in the drive, the night is done, and all your children are home and safe. I will never again feel that security. I will always be afraid. Trying very hard not to make Ashley pay the price for that, but inevitably I know she will. It's impossible for it to be any other way.

 

 

 

 

I still have the Christmas tree up. It's going to stay up for now, until I can make peace with the fact that you were not here to enjoy it. Over 30 years of Christmas memories are in that tree, and I'm not ready to give them up yet, and there are so many yet unexplored, that I want to remember, so it stays for now, until Im ready.

The panic is better, thanks to the new meds I believe. The frantic need to "find" you has gotten better, somehow I know, feel, deep inside, you are ok and close by. You have left us so many signs it is impossible not to believe that. Things like photos with mysterious rainbows help, all the little things you keep sending us along the way, reassure me that we will always be together, just in a different way now.

I still am extremely protective of your possesions, anything you touched for that matter. Grandma was going to donate the jar of pizza sauce you bought just days before you were killed, an I snatched it and put it in your cabinet. Anything you touched is precious to me. It borders on obscessive but I just can't give anything up. It's all I have left. Crazy, probably, but I don't care.

 

Ash and I just got back from your memorial. Mike stopped while we were there. I left my little stuffed angel. The one that has been in my car for years. Miss you Jas. More today, than yesterday. Every day without your smile, your laugh, seems like an eternity. But I remember them, oh how I remember them. If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can hear that laugh, see that smile. It warms my heart and gives me hope that one day I will see them and hear them again. Untill then, I keep you alive in my mind, and in my heart, and you are always alive in my soul. You are part of me. Together we will make a difference.

 

 

I love you so very much Jas,

 

Miss you so...

Mom

 

January 25, 2010

 

Dear Jas,

I can't believe it's 6 months. It seems like just yesterday you were here mocking me over my shoulder, just to make me laugh, or make me mad, but we usually ended up laughing. I made it through the holidays ok, had plenty to keep me busy. Things I was doing for "you", the treasure boxes, the photo albums, trying to pull Christmas off, keep things as normal as possible for your brothers and sisters, the kids, so I locked the sadness deep inside. It only escaped when I was alone.

 

I had to decide how I was going to make it through New Years without you. I was not looking forward to the new year, I wanted the old year back, even though I knew that was impossible. So how could I spend New Years eve without going insane. Ash was out, Grandma was in Jersey, I was all alone. I decided I would continue our tradion of lighting fireworks off on New Years eve. I went shopping for cakes, 19 rounds each, giant fireworks that exploded in the air. I lit them off at your memorial, along with a couple smoke bombs which I hated, but you loved. Then I had 2 party poppers, like the one you brought to Allies birthday. I popped them both too and the metalic streamers are now part of the decorations. I felt good that night, honoring our tradition, then the next day I crashed.

 

I went to the shrink, meds adjusted, again, and he put me on sleeping pills. I just could not sleep. I would walk by your cabinet every night, say goodnight, and close my eyes, and a million thoughts and questions would race though my mind. I don't even want to put them in anyone else's head so I won't say what they are, but I will tell you they are unbearable. I would feel this sick feeling that would overwhelm me, panic would set in, the ache of your being gone is like a sink hole, it gets worse and worse, bigger and bigger till one day I feel like it is going to engulf me. So I started taking the sleeping pills. Sleep 8-10 hours a night now. I had no choice though I resisted. I cried myself to sleep for 5 months, I couldn't do it anymore. So sleep is better now.

 

We got the MADD chapter rolling. First meeting is Thursday. I can finally avenge your death, fight what took you from me, from us, hopefully make a difference. I know I'm gonna be out there fighting. I hope no one has to suffer as we have ever again. I hope no Mother has to feel the pain of a part of her being ripped away. No father has to lose his child. No brothers or sisters are parted. I need to do this for you. It's my purpose, and my calling.

 

Matt had a dream about you the other night. You and him were just hanging, chatting. The talk turned to music and he aske you if you like the Cold Play song he played for you. You told him it was alright, but is one you like better. You told him to look it up. Then you said you actually liked another band now too. He asked what and you said Owl City. He laughed and said you like fireflies? He knew that song because its at the top of the charts. You told him no, their new one. He didn't even know Owl City had a new song out.
 
The next morning he looked them both up an told me about it. The lyric are amazing. Did you really send them to him in a dream? I will post the Video's here. They mean so much to me. We miss you Jas, so very very much. I can never fil the void that is inside me. I will never stop the tears, but I believe you are happy. I just miss your presence in my life more than I can stand. I latch onto the memories, the photographs, they are all I have, and are precious.

 

Help keep me strong. Help me to understand how you could be taken from us. Help me to find a new way to live. My life was my kids, and still is, but one is missing, and that thought still makes me frantic at times. Please watch over us.

 

I love you so very much Jas,

Soar high...

Mom

 

Vanilla Twilight-Owl City

 

 

 

 

Fix You - Cold Play

 

 

 

 

Matt's dedication to you at his wedding....

 

 

 

 

I welcome and encourage your comments. Let's me know someone is listening.

The site ate this blog. I am trying to recover it now. BLAH!!!

January 25, 2009

Dear Jas,

I waited an extra day to post this so I could include Thanksgiving. You were truly missed today. 4 months you have been gone. I miss you more than I can bear most days. I am thankful for sharing 21 years of your beautiful happy soul, and know that soul is still here with us. I love you and miss you very much.

 

I'm trying to be strong, but failing miserably. Some days are ok, others terrible. There are some who feel I should be over it. Stuck in misery. I am not stuck in misery, but I will never be over it. The loss of my child. Anyone that thinks I should be, or will be, is clueless. A mother's instinct is always to protect their children, no matter how old they are. Just because your kids grow up, doesn't mean those instincts go away. Maybe when kid's grow up, it is not a mothers "duty" to keep them safe, but that doesn't mean that instinct goes away. It is always there. I feel like I have a missing child. Some days I feel almost frantic wanting to know you are ok. My beliefs make me feel you are. My dreams give me reassurance, but that will never stop me from missing your presence in my days, and in my life. The drastic change is such a shock to my system, my being, that is NOT something that goes away no matter how strong I try to be.

 

I'm going to a shrink, December 4th, try to help me deal with all this. It's not like I'm not trying. I know you wouldn't want me to be so sad, but I also believe you know that is only because I loved you so very much. I think you understand. I believe you know what is in my heart. I have had dreams where you were waking me when I overslept. I opened my eyes expecting to see you, but of course you were not there. So I walk to your cabinet and kiss my finger, and put it to the glass by your urn, say good morning, or good night, as I do every night before going to sleep, and every morning when I wake up.

 

When the funeral parlor called and said you ashes were ready, I was afraid to go pick them up. Thought for sure I would lose it. Matt said to me, go get him Mom, bring him home. That thought gave me the courage to go. I am conforted having you here with me, and I do feel your presence. I cherish those moments when I feel like you are reaching out to me. Please help us get through this holiday season. It's going to be rough.

 

To my other children, Mike, Heather, Trish, Chris, Matt, Dalyce and Ashley and all the grand babies. You are my life an I am so thankful to have you.

 

I'd like to take a moment to give thanks to all my wonderful family and friends who have helped me, and all of us through the last 4 months. I, and we, would have never made it without all of you. I would also like to take a moment to remember my beloved son Jason. We went to the memorial site today and left some things for the holidays.

 

We miss you Jas... more and more each day <3

Love you, Mom