Jason Edward Posluszny

I have been struggling over Christmas this year. For as many years as I remember it was Jason who helped me put the Christmas tree together. Ash would help, as did all the kids, but in recent years, it was always me and Jas. So I keep looking at this box that holds that Christmas tree I have used for so many years, and wonder how in the world I am ever going to put it together without Jas.

I think about Christmas pasts, the excitement as the tree was going up. When all my kids were young, knowing Santa would be coming soon the minute the Christmas boxes came down. The excitement putting up the tree, then the magic moment when we would be all done, and turn out the lights to see it glow and twinkle at its finest. Though the magic of Santa has gone in recent years, the magic of Christmas has never left our family, but this year, I struggle. I remember smiling faces in the past and in very recent years. It wasn't all about the presents, it was the excitement getting to THAT day. It was sitting by the tree drinking hot chocolate and watching our favorite Christmas movies. It was a feeling of togetherness, love, family. Even the anticipation of the day after, when all the gifts were unwrapped. I loved seeing all my kids enjoy them. It was always such a wonderful time of year, filled with memories.

So I look at this box, once again, after 4 hours sleep and thousands of tears, and think how can I do it without you Jas, and the answer comes to me. He's always with me. He will watch me try and sort those branches, curse and grumble, probably laugh and do a happy dance he does not have to do it. But he will be with me. Ashley is going to help me hang a lifetimes worth of ornaments. Then we will turn out the lights, watch it glow and twinkle, and know that Jas is there with us in spirit. I just wish more than anything, I could see that twinkle in his eye.